Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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