four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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