Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
