There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
