I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
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I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
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He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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