im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
