how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
