I want to walk on stilts...naked
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Come on in and take your pants off
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