i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
