somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
