she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
