i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
