So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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