Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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