Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
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