You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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