he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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