Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
