fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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