Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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