your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
