Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
