The maid of honor just puked.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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