its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
