his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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