So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
