True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
