He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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