I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
