im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
