16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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