My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
