i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
