My liver just broke up with me...
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
