You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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