So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug