It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.