So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
