There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
