All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
