I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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