My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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