mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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