ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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