first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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