let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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