He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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