I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
