the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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