who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
