P.S. I can't hear my feet
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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