we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
