Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
