More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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