So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
