so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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