Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
