Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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