His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
