I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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