Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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