the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
